You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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