I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm gonna fight the coyote
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
