I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
