like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
