this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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