As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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