He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
