There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
