I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
