Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
