Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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