hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
