If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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