you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
