he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
