If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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