complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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