i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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