i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
