That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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