in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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