You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
