Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I currently don't understand fingers.
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