Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
