Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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