You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
