2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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