I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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