I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
