I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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