Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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