we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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