I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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