You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
