These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
