I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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