Your dad touched me again.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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