Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
