I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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