Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
