My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
