I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
