we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
