Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.