Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
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She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."