It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
