How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
