Four minutes until I can fart!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
third nipple confirmed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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