Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
