Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
