I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
