I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I look excited, but its just a facade.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
