have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
