I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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