He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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