Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
