If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
