Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
a search helicopter?!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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