haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
