I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
