It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
