I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
