Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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