I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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