Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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