its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
