It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
